Saturday, October 30, 2010

Random Paul's Top 10 Randomisms

I named him "Random Paul" because I was guessing no one would be able to predict what came out of his mouth. He surely did not disappoint. We don't just have a top 10, we have a baker's dozen!

I have also given each randomism a rating from 0 to 3 points in the following categories, which reflect various aspects of the simple yet complex package that is Random Paul:

  • sense of entitlement (E);
  • self-serving (S);
  • naivete/cluelessness, often from those Libertarian principles of his (N);
  • not from around here (Kentucky, not the planet Earth) (F for furriner);
  • delusional (D).
So, let's get started!
#13. "I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business."

??? Obama administration officials are critical of British Petroleum creating the largest oil leak in history, off the coast of Louisiana, and its un-American ???

E+1, N+1, D+1

#12. Aqua Buddha

Yes, the attack ad was smarmy, but: you do stupid stuff in college, you run for national office, you will get called on it. You then say "I was young and stupid and I'm sorry I did it" or "It was just youthful hijinks" or "I didn't inhale". But not Random, no sir. He calls everyone liars and affects great outrage. He probably had just finished the Faux News "Outrage 101" course and wanted to practice.

E+2, D+1

#11. "Medicare deductibles need to be raised to $2000."

Sure, he was just speaking hypothetically.


#10. "I don't think anyone's going to be missing a hill or two here or there."

Unless you grew up there. Or hunted there. Or watched the sun set there.

Mountain top removal mining is visible from space.

E+1, N+1, F+2

#9. "Repeal the 16th Amendment and replace the graduated income tax with a sales tax."

Sales taxes (31% in this case) are well known to be regressive -- the less money you make, the greater a percentage of your income you pay.

S+1, E+1, N+1

#8. Drug abuse in Eastern Kentucky: "I don't think it's a real pressing issue"

And we don't need any Federal funding to try to do something about being the oxycodone capital of the US.

N+2, F+3, D+1

#7. "Keep Kentuckians' tax dollars home."

Instead of sending them to those wastrels in Washington. The only problem is, Kentucky is a poor state and receives back from Washington $1.50 for every $1.00 it sends in.

Oops. I would have thought a doctor would be a little better at math.

N+3, F+2, D+1

#6. "Physicians deserve to make a comfortable living."

The rest of us, not so much???

This was in opposition to lowering Medicare reimbursement rates. Government programs bad, bad, bad -- unless they're putting money in Random's pocket.

E+2, S+3, N+1

#5. "It's famous for, like, The Dukes of Hazzard."

Random was trying to figure out why Harlan County was famous. All he could come up with was that it was near Hazard, famous for "the dukes of". Never heard of Bloody Harlan.

"There exists a virtual reign of terror (in Harlan County), financed in general by a group of coal mine operators in collusion with certain public officials: the victims of this reign of terror are the coal miners and their families." -- Governor Ruby Laffoon, 1935.

N+2, F+3

#4. "Maybe sometimes accidents happen."

And miners die. Or oil workers die. But hopefully, the CEO of BP has "gotten his life back" now that he's been fired.

E+2, N+1, F+2

#3. "You’d try to make good rules to protect your people here."

In saying why the federal government should not be involved in mine safety and inspection. The mine owners own the local government as well as the mines, in addition to having considerable clout at the state level. But, I'm sure that the mine owners are all kindler and gentler now.

Random continues "If you don’t, I’m thinking that no one will apply for those jobs.” Yah, there are lots of other jobs for them to apply for in most coal towns.

E+2, S+1, N+2, F+3, D+1

#2. "It's a crowd control problem."

Random's supporters/Brownshirts throw a defenseless woman to the curb and one of them stomps on her head. Random's campaign disassociates itself from the stomper -- their Bourbon county chairman -- but doesn't return his $1900 contribution.

It's not "a crowd control problem" when teabaggers nationwide engage in thuggish behavior. Faux News and Rush Blowhard and their ilk scream "get mad, get outraged, get angry" 24x7. And they're surprised when things like this happen? I think not.

The stomper wants the stompee to apologize to him. I guess it's the Republican way -- the guy Darth Cheney shot wound up apologizing to him.

E+2, S+1, N+1, D+1

#1. "I R A Certifying Board"

Random Paul doesn't think it's fair that The American Board of Ophthalmology is grandfathering in older diplomates (who were given undated certificates) such that they don't have to recertify (but he does). So he creates his own certifying board (7 diplomates so far), with himself as president, his wife as vice-president, and his father-in-law as secretary. He creates his own certification board, and hangs a certificate on his office wall saying he's "board certified" -- to me, that is fraud, pure and simple.

Libertarians I have discussed this with say:

  1. "Patients should be responsible for researching the certificate he hangs on his wall."
  2. "I admire that, he figured out a way to beat the system and took it."
The more I find out about Libertarianism, or Anarcho-Capitalism as my niece Julie most astutely labeled it, the more it seems to me to be a form of sociopathy. I wonder if there's a genetic component? Maybe they have fewer mirror neurons, which cause us to feel what others feel, and are the source of our natural empathy?

E+2, S+3, D+2

Of course, as his handlers reined him in and muzzled him, he's repudiated probably half of these statements.

Let's see how those ratings turned out (drum roll; results being tabulated by spreadsheet). And the winner is:

  • naivete/cluelessness (N) 16
  • sense of entitlement (E) 15
  • furriner (F) 15
  • self-serving (S) 9
  • delusional (D) 8
If Random does get elected, I would expect we won't have to be embarrassed too long. A year tops, he will get his book deal, pull a Palin and quit, and go to work full time for Faux News. Random's adherence to that most sacred of Libertarian principles, selfishness, demands nothing less.

One last piece of random Random coverage: the toupee!

I thought that it was just a bad perm until my sister pointed out that googling "Rand Paul toupee" gets 15,000 matches. (Googling "rand paul stomp" now gets 23,200,000 matches. Millions spent for World Equestrian Games, and now we go from being Horse Capital of the World to Head Stomping Capital of the World.) Wow, it has its own Facebook page! Here he has a chance to bond with his fellow male-pattern-baldness sufferers, like me, and he instead decides to live in a pretend world of "I still have hair". Tsk, tsk, tsk -- we should have added "narcissism" to our list of personality traits above. A number 2, 1, or 0 all over is the answer, not a rug.

The top three comments from a lengthy blog discussion:

  • I kept waiting for Rand Paul’s hairpiece to rise up and say “I can haz cheeseburger?”
  • Now that I think about it, though, it’s wonderful that someone has finally found a practical use for a Tribble.
  • Somebody stole the tail off that poor man’s Davy Crockett hat.


dumbass said...

And how could I have forgotten "If you have a three story building and you have someone apply for a job, you get them a job on the first floor if they’re in a wheelchair as supposed to making the person who owns the business put an elevator in." Makes perfect sense! Who needs the Americans with Disabilities Act?

dumbass said...

And I also forgot:
"I'm for having ... laws against things that are violent crimes, but things that are non-violent shouldn't be against the law."